THE KILLER CARS!

i don’t want to sound pathetic, but it hurts.  it hurts so much.  it’s been months now and i still can’t shake the feeling.  there are too many questions left unanswered.  it makes me so sad.

i never loved someone like i love you.  i know that scares you, but it’s true.  you were afraid of hurting me - believe me, going so long without a word hurts far more than simply being told up front.  i was literally worried sick about you when you didn’t call.  i thought something had happened.

i need to move on, but i still think of you every day.  i wake up in the morning and realize that i still miss you.  i don’t feel happy, even when good things happen to me.  i’ll hear a song and see your face, and have to turn it off.  

i don’t want to forget.  

i only have two photos of you.  they are both great.  you are so beautiful in both of them, but in different ways.  i took them both on wonderful days we had together.  i don’t even think you realize i took the second one.  that was on the happiest day of the whole year for me.  

and that’s the rub.  i had so many reasons to be angry and upset at the world, and you were there to make it better.  as long as i had you, i had reason to believe in myself.  when you disappeared, it was the lowest i’d been in years.

i know things aren’t great for you.  i know you have gone through a tough couple of years yourself, and i wanted to be there for you.  i’m more than just someone who wants to take you out for the evening and make you feel special and be a true and honest gentleman.  i want to be your companion.  i want to be your friend.  your confidant.  i love you.  i’m saying it because i can’t help it, remember?

i am mad at myself because i had told myself that from now on i would fight for anything i believed in or cared about.  i was going to go to see you and try to say that to you, but i was too afraid.  i was afraid you would be driven away because i don’t want to let go.  

BUT I AM NOT MAD AT YOU.  call me stupid but i am not angry with you.  i feel hurt, but i have forgiven you for that.  

if by some chance you actually read this, i’m asking you:  please, call.  write.  come see me.  you know how to find me.  i just want to hear your voice or see your beautiful face.  know that i love you enough to let you go if that’s what you want.  but this is torture.  i can’t keep living like this, because i can’t let you go otherwise.

please.