i don’t want to sound pathetic, but it hurts. it hurts so much. it’s been months now and i still can’t shake the feeling. there are too many questions left unanswered. it makes me so sad.
i never loved someone like i love you. i know that scares you, but it’s true. you were afraid of hurting me - believe me, going so long without a word hurts far more than simply being told up front. i was literally worried sick about you when you didn’t call. i thought something had happened.
i need to move on, but i still think of you every day. i wake up in the morning and realize that i still miss you. i don’t feel happy, even when good things happen to me. i’ll hear a song and see your face, and have to turn it off.
i don’t want to forget.
i only have two photos of you. they are both great. you are so beautiful in both of them, but in different ways. i took them both on wonderful days we had together. i don’t even think you realize i took the second one. that was on the happiest day of the whole year for me.
and that’s the rub. i had so many reasons to be angry and upset at the world, and you were there to make it better. as long as i had you, i had reason to believe in myself. when you disappeared, it was the lowest i’d been in years.
i know things aren’t great for you. i know you have gone through a tough couple of years yourself, and i wanted to be there for you. i’m more than just someone who wants to take you out for the evening and make you feel special and be a true and honest gentleman. i want to be your companion. i want to be your friend. your confidant. i love you. i’m saying it because i can’t help it, remember?
i am mad at myself because i had told myself that from now on i would fight for anything i believed in or cared about. i was going to go to see you and try to say that to you, but i was too afraid. i was afraid you would be driven away because i don’t want to let go.
BUT I AM NOT MAD AT YOU. call me stupid but i am not angry with you. i feel hurt, but i have forgiven you for that.
if by some chance you actually read this, i’m asking you: please, call. write. come see me. you know how to find me. i just want to hear your voice or see your beautiful face. know that i love you enough to let you go if that’s what you want. but this is torture. i can’t keep living like this, because i can’t let you go otherwise.